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Violent Anger

Question: Problem with Anger and Violence..
My step father had released all his problems when I was little and he beat me up and bruised me all over. And now he has stopped hurting but does not stop hurting my feelings. And he told me stay away from his brother and now I am allowed to near him but I often release all my anger and this is becoming serious problem. What can i do? The problem is I am becoming more violent.

Answer: Dear Friend,
You seem to know where your anger is coming from - deep wounds of hurt, anger, resentment and damaged self-esteem due to the abuse from your step-father. Behaving in a violent manner though is bringing more damage to your own life and could land you in jail.

Dealing with the past and the present:
The question that comes to mind is: How can you work through the pain of the past and cope with the present relationship issues with your step-father in a healthy way?
What you really want is to punish your step-father for the harm he has caused. But, will that restore your past and heal your wounds and self-esteem?
This man will probably never be able to give you what you want and need. The wounds, loss and self-image problems will take supernatural intervention to heal and commitment on your part to rebuild your life.

Start first by admitting your need for God and growing in your faith. Consider what Jesus Christ can do in your life. Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth with the mission of saving the world through His own suffering and sacrifice on the cross. Through faith in Him - you can know and be reconciled to God, become part of His family, be assured of forgiveness for your sins, know for certain you are going to heaven and experience the love of God which will rebuild your self-esteem and give meaning to your life. Order the book: Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren and read more about How to Know God Personally.

The next step is to admit that you have a problem with anger and resentment and that you need help for this. How can you learn to turn the hurt and disappointments you have into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness? This will be a process. But, you have to start to communicate your needs, opinions, thoughts in a direct and positive way without harming others. If you continue to be hostile in your actions – you will not get what you want – relationships and reconciliation. Read about assertiveness and forgiveness. Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? to begin to learn your triggers for the anger inside and some coping skills such as the time-out and changing your self-talk in order to manage your anger.
Consider counseling. See the Amer. Assoc. of Christian Counselors for a listing of professionals in your area.

Taking control of Your Personal Life:
This will all take time but, the most important goal now is for you to work on personal healing and managing anger so that you don’t add to the pain in your life.
Yes, you will have to abide by your step-father’s decision about when to see your brother for now. When your brother is older and out of the house – you will have the freedom to get together without the interference of your step-father.

Seek God's Help:
Lastly, pray. Ask God for His perspective and for His unconditional love for this man who is like an ‘enemy’ to you. Jesus said, as He hung on the cross, “Father, forgive them (the perpetrators) for they know not what they do.”
Look for support in an evangelical church. God bless you!

~ Lynette J. Hoy, is a marriage and family counselor, speaker, writer and the Chicagoland Chair of Community and Business Women for Christ. The book, What's Good About Anger?can be ordered online.