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Boyfriend's Hateful Anger

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question: I was with my ex-boyfriend for three years. I will refer to him as HE from here on. HE had a very abusive childhood, and had many traumas growing up as his father was alcoholic. HE saw his dad try to kill his mom when HE was very young. His dad abused his mom and also him and his brother. Needless to say, the boys grew up alcoholic, too. HE is 34 years old now and it's been a long time since HE was physically abused. But his dad calls him every night...drunk...and is extremely abusive with his words. They end up screaming at each other sometimes and then HE walks around fuming. This has gone on throughout our three years together.

HE was always nice to me unless HE got really drunk. Then about a year and a half ago, HE was more drunk than I had ever seen him be and HE screamed at me for a long time, calling me names, pounding his fists on the dash of the pickup...as I sobbed in fear. The more I cried the more angry HE got. HE stopped drinking about sixteen months ago. We had some problems and for the past almost four months we've been on and off. These past months have been horrible. HE lives quite far from me, so we don't see each other much, but we would talk online. At first the conversations went well, then HE would suddenly get very angry about something and start calling me names and being hateful and very mean. It would kill me everytime HE did it. We would end up telling each other that we needed to be apart. Then HE would always apologize, etc. A few weeks ago, we had another huge blowup. Not so different than the usual, but the words were worse and the anger was as bad as I've ever seen it. I've told him before that he needed to get counseling because he was acting just like his dad.

Anyway, before this last blowup, I always fell back into it...HE would make me feel sorry for him. I got to the point where I was afraid to even sign online and I blocked him from my messenger and stuff so I wouldn't have to talk to him. And it was hard because I loved him so much. It was weird though...after this last one, I told him to leave me alone, and I actually truly meant it. The words were just too much for me this time. I usually would leave our conversations crying and feeling extremely hurt. This time, though, I just felt kind of numb to him. The next day when HE tried to talk to me, I just ignored HIM. And the next day after that as well. Then a week or so ago, HE wrote all this stuff about how HE had gone to counseling and HE saw things differently now, how HE was taking things out on me and that it was wrong...blah blah. He tried to convince me that "it would never happen again" because HE realized what HE was doing.

This...after one counseling session. And HE expected me to just say, "Oh ok then..." I can't do it anymore. The love that I felt for HIM has turned into a feeling of nothing. I don't hate HIM. I just feel nothing for HIM. I have no desire to talk to HIM anymore. HE still tries to talk to me online. Now I just want HIM to leave me alone, but HE won't. Because "HE is changed now"..with HIS one counseling session. (Hardly ) I have stuck to my guns this time and tell HIM every day that I have had enough and I'm done. I've tried ignoring HIM. I have tried to tell HIM that no matter what HE does, I don't want anything to do with HIM anymore. I just got tired of being afraid! I got tired of going to bed every night crying. I got tired of being afraid to sign online. I just don't want it anymore. How can I get HIM to go away? I just want some peace in my life for once. Any advice is much appreciated. Signed: Tired of Being Afraid

Answer: Dear Tired of Being Afraid,

Protect Yourself: It's time to tell your ex-boyfriend that he must stop contacting you or you will get a court Order of Protection which will make it illegal to have any contact with you. This is harrassment and his actions are threatening and intimidating. He is a typical batterer. And you have experienced the "cycle of abuse" which begins with:
Phase 1 - Tension Building: Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim becomes fearful and feels the need to placate the abuser. and then,
Phase 2 occurs which is the actual Incident: Verbal, emotional, physical abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing. Threats. Intimidation.
Phase 3 is Reconciliation: Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Phase 4 is the Calm: Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place. The "Honeymoon" phase.

Call the National Domestic Hotline for more advice at: 1-800-799-7233. They will help you locate a domestic violence agency in your area and will provide you with guidance for getting the court order of protection. And see Safe Relationships for more reseouvces on domestic violence. You need peace in your life. You most likely should change your phone number and email to help prevent him from contacting you.

Remember - there is no excuse for abuse! This kind of anger is hateful and should not be tolerated. Hope this helps. God bless!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of both editions of What's Good About Anger? and author of all the anger management curriculum. Lynette is a speaker for community, women's and church organizations.